When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
