this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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