just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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