I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
