Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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