I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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