true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
