You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
