Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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