my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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