Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
