not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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