zippers are such a cool invention
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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