Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
