I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
