Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
