my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
this hospital has no fireball
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
