Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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