i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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