and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
