im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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