the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
