i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
