I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
