Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
