is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
