I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
