Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm getting married
To pizza
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
