My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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