Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
