ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
