so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
