I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The air was thick with penises
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
