I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
