If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
