I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
