Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
