you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
