i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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