What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
