my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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