dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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