I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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