I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
