She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
