I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
