This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
