If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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