Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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