You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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